we might be mothering the hard way if …

…we’re still pouring cereal for our 10-year-old child.

{Melinda} Guilty as charged. Sigh. A couple of summers ago, my sister, who lives in another city, was visiting. After a couple of days, she looked at me and said simply, “Why are you still pouring Micah’s cereal?” It was as if I’d been struck by lightning. Yes, why WAS I pouring my very capable, able-bodied nearly preteen boy’s cereal?

Do we think if it’s not done by us, it’s not done well? Won’t they like us better if we do everything for them? Is it too risky to allow our kids to perform tasks in a way that probably will be different than our own?

My sister’s question prompted me to recognize a whole host of enabling behaviors. I started to be less me-focused and concentrated on what was best for them. And it was not pouring cereal until they went to college.

… we find ourselves whining and even we find it irritating.

{Kathy} “I’m just too tired to go in and snuggle with him tonight,” I said to myself. Mothering three children was exhausting. What I didn’t realize is how quickly time flies. My oldest would quietly sulk off to his room, leaving me alone with my guilt.

Yes, I was tired. But he was growing quickly.  I chose the wrong victim of my fatigue. I would give anything for him to be nine again.

How can we expect our children to rise to do the right thing — regardless of their feelings — if we’re not being a role model? We have to be willing to feel the pain sometimes.

… we take everything to heart even though the kid talking to us doesn’t really care.

One of the great mysteries of motherhood is what our children think of us. We can’t project our own fears and insecurities into their minds.

What’s not a mystery is the amount of personal offense we take when our kids flippantly say something they didn’t mean. The cranky cashier at the grocery store has more in common with our kids than we think. Both of them are lashing out at us but we are often not the source of their frustration.  Easy to say, hard to practice.

… we’re more concerned about whether the birthday party impresses our friends than if our child wants the party.  

Who comes first? What happens when our desire to please or impress others interferes with what’s best for our child?

Will you even remember Katie’s mom’s first name ten years from now? Probably not. But your children will remember the message that others’ needs and opinions were more important than their’s at the time.

… we’re not willing to put up with the nasty today even though it multiplies tomorrow.

Unaddressed bedtime battles at two can turn into all-out war with your teenager. Unaddressed sarcastic responses can turn into profanity. Getting a handle on things early seems overwhelming at the time, but it can seem impossible later. Handling problems as they come may rock the boat, but prepares us to handle the big waves later. It’s really hard to fight battles that you are fighting too late.

But if you’ve surrended battles you should have fought, don’t despair. You can regain territory you’ve lost, although it can take more time and emotional effort.