five excuses we use to stay isolated

how to overcome isolation“I’m not very outgoing.”

“I’m not that interesting. No one really wants to spend time with me.”

“I’m so busy. I never have time to connect.”

“I’m doing just fine by myself.”

“It’s too risky. I’ve been burned by community in the past.”

No matter what our “reasons” for staying on our island, the result is the same: loneliness and isolation.

And a solo journey isn’t what God intended: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Prov. 27:17)

Reaching out to form community is not just about us. We’re to sharpen one another. When we withhold our vulnerability, our attention and our friendship, we’re actually withholding blessing — from others, as well as ourselves.

So, we’re going to address each of the above excuses for staying isolated and blow holes right through them:

I’m not very outgoing. At first it may feel a little forced, but we all can learn to become more comfortable with reaching out. Like anything, it requires practice.

As mothers, at first, our children are somewhat dependent on us to help them make connections. From the time they’re little, they look to us as models for how to interact and connect with others.

Further, we all need connection — regardless of our personality. We can deny it or ignore it, but if we are honest with ourselves, we all have the desire to be understood.

I’m not that interesting. No one really wants to spend time with me. To that, we say, why don’t we let others be the judge of our charisma? Don’t underestimate the calming effect you may have on the more “hyper” people around you.

I’m so busy. I never have time to connect. We are ALL busy. So make a plan. Do you want to invite friends over for dinner? Ask them. Then you have to do it. When someone else is counting on us, we find a way to make it happen. It’s one of the very few benefits of people pleasing. And once we do it, we experience the benefits — and we want more of that. Start small. Text a friend and tell her you’ll call her tonight after the kids are in bed.

I’m doing just fine by myself. Is that denial? We need to do an honest examination of what is at the root of that attitude. It could be that we are in a season that we need to pull away — to refresh, to heal, to connect more fully with God. However, if we’re not careful in limiting that season, we’ll find ourselves … just alone.

It’s too risky. I’ve been burned by community in the past. Yes, it is risky. Most of us have been burned. Repeatedly. But what is the alternative? This is where we have to ask for the Holy Spirit’s healing and His empowerment to forgive those who have wronged us. God can help us not only heal, but learn, from those hurtful experiences. That process will help us bring more wisdom that next time we risk our hearts.

So, what’s your excuse? Ask God to help you push past it in one small way this week. 

 

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56 Comments

  • I have to disagree. I have NEVER required a lot of personal interaction with anyone. It’s not because I’m hiding or afraid. I just don’t desire to be around people. I’m a homebody and I’m perfectly content to be home. This was true even before I got married. I married a guy who also is content with staying home.

    It’s not as if we don’t have interaction with others. My husband works a full-time job and I am out-and-about with my daughter. But I don’t feel the “need” to be connecting with people. That doesn’t make my daughter the same as I am. She loves people…never met a person she didn’t like. That is just who she is. My mom is a social butterfly and even at 79, she is on the go constantly. That is who she is. My dad came home from work and that is where he wanted to be. I’m like my dad and I’ ok with it.

    Reply
  • I keep putting it out there… so I’ve been trying. I’ve been living in a new city for the last two years and still no friends yet. I don’t know… it didn’t help to be raised “invisible”; not being paid much attention to. You’d think by now I’d be better about times (like now), when I’m alone. Since I work from home, days go by before I’ve actually spoken to a soul. Go figure.

    I’ve tried to connect w/a couple of SITS Girls who’ve said they’ve had a hard time making friends, but apparently they’re pretty busy. It makes my heart hurt; just thinking about it.

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    • {Kathy} Carlo, your pain is not uncommon. My prayer for you is to be “noticed” by people who will really care for you, and you for them. I highly recommend doing a small volunteer opportunity near to your heart–maybe one that helps other lonely folks, like shut-ins. Your soul needs to be blessed. Peace to you, my dear.

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      • Funny you say that… just last week I was on a hospital (in my area) website, looking at how to sign up for their volunteer program. This is clearly a sign of confirmation from God.

        Thank you for continuing to bless your readers with your thoughts and divine inspirations. God is alive and on the throne! I just love how He operates within His people.

        You guys are such a gift.
        Thank you. I love you guys!

        PS I would never make it day in and day out without God and the online church I attend, that God has raised up. Here’s a link to a young, talented, Kingdom guy that I thought you should know about (with the Nation’s leading prophetic voice who happens to be the pastor of my church, Kim Clement); Phil Karis Hidden Treasures… Catchy guitar melodies from the heart. A heart that belongs to the Lord.

        Reply
        • {Kathy} That’s great Carlo! Hospitals are fantastic places to bless people and be blessed. I really encourage you to follow though with that conviction.

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  • I have to say, I’ve been guilty of using all of these excuses at some point. Putting myself out there has never been easy for me as a super shy person but in the last few years I have made much more of an effort to come out of my shell. It was uncomfortable at first (still is sometimes) but the benefits have been amazing. Thanks for sharing your words of encouragement here! =)

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    • {Kathy} Congratulations in pushing past your fears. I agree that it can be uncomfortable. I have to tell you that one of my most uncomfortable moments talking with another mom was during a difficult time in my life. I was not really “up” for meeting and talking to anyone, let alone being polite. The funny thing is that woman–is Melinda, my best friend and writing partner. I am thankful everyday that I sort of got over myself and reached out. The beautiful thing is that others reach back.

      Reply
  • I used to be the mom who missed out on things all the time. It took a move 1000 miles away from home to get me out and active. Since the move I’ve gained a lot of confidence and really grown as a wife and mother. I had to get out of my comfort zone to grow and I’m so glad I did.

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    • {Melinda} Yes, sometimes I think it takes us (sometimes involuntarily) moving out of the familiar to change our behavior patterns. At least, I’ve found that true in my life over and over again!

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  • Wow. This is so applicable to me. I’m very introverted by nature and recently my blog has grown from a hobby to an income producing job (and therefore time-consuming.) I am so thankful for what you wrote because deep down I know I need to connect more with my neighbors/playmates for my children/etc. Very timely, thank you. Here from SITS.

    Reply
    • {Melinda} You are so welcome, Melissa. I’m glad it was the encouragement and message you needed right now. 🙂 We are so glad you stopped by today.

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    • {Melinda} Absolutely! Thanks so much for stopping by on our SITS Day!

      Reply
  • Love this! What a great combination of wisdom as well as scripture and mom know how. Thank you for sharing and I have a great take away for today!

    Reply
    • {Melinda} You are so welcome, Tracy. Thank you for your kind words. We really appreciate you taking the time to visit us. Look forward to checking out your blog as well!

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  • Great advice!!! Sometimes I isolate myself too much for these reasons – thanks for the helpful advice!! Happy SITS day!!

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    • {Melinda} You are so welcome … they are hard-won lessons! 🙂 We appreciate you visiting and helping to make our SITS Day special!

      Reply
  • Happy SITS day. I have to say I have found it easier to make connections since having kids. Kids are a great ice breaker when meeting new people and making new friends with other parents ;).

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    • {Melinda} Yes, I’ve found that, too, Monica. It’s like you instantly have something in common to talk about. And we definitely need that support in mothering! Thank you so much for stopping by today!

      Reply
    • {Kathy} Monica, I agree that children help us make connections. There is nothing like your kid bumping heads with another kid on the playground to make two moms interact!

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  • Love this post! I never envisioned the amazingly supportive blogging community when I started. The only time I don’t feel like connecting (in life and online) is when I am tired and ready for bed! It more than often inspires me to connect. Happy SITS Day! So happy to see you featured today!

    Reply
  • Great post! I love connecting with others and I did not envision how wonderfully supportive the blogging community would be when I started. The only time i feel like not connecting is when I am tired, but most times it just inspires me! Happy SITS Day! So happy you were featured!

    Reply
    • {Melinda} Thanks for all your comments, Raquel! 🙂 Very much appreciated! I LOVE the online connections, too … so much more than I ever imagined when we first started blogging. That’s why today is so fun — the chance to get to know new bloggers and develop relationships. Love it!

      Reply
  • Wonderful post, and thank you for the reminder that we need to connect and be a blessing to someone. We never know who that may be. Happy SITS Day.

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    • {Melinda} Thank you, Whitney … yes, being isolated is selfish in a way, because we rob others of what we have to offer. And we usually have a lot more to offer than we realize. Thanks so much for stopping by! 🙂

      Reply
  • These are so true, and you know God has the answer to all our excuses. You hit us right where it hurts…for good!
    Praise God, we do not HAVE to leave isolated!
    Happy SITS day, have fun!

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    • {Melinda} Yes He does! He IS the answer, isn’t He? Community is His idea. Thanks so much for stopping by! We are having a ton of fun sofar! 🙂

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    • {Melinda} Thank you, Rachel … I so glad you stopped by and we so appreciate you following us. Truly.

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  • I have said all those things! LOL! I am an introvert who has tried playing the extrovert and I can somewhat, but it isn’t natural for me. I have tried very hard in the past to make deep friendships, but they never seem to go anywhere. I have lots of casual friends, but no deep friendships, and I have to admit, I would love at least one. But if no one else is interested in being that friend, what do you do? I also have to admit, I am tired of trying so hard, only to feel rejected over and over. So I have just decided to be happy with the casual friendships that I do have. And you asked for excuses. My excuse is, “I’m excellent company so I will just enjoy being by myself.” 🙂

    Reply
    • {Kathy} “I’m excellent company so I will just enjoy being by myself”–that is an interesting statement. I am technically an extrovert, but I often find myself wanting to remove myself from social situations (especially with lots of children, like birthday parties) because I just get overstimulated. I get to a point that I can’t think straight. I enjoy alone time now that I am little older simply because it has been so rare over the last 20 years.
      Deep friendships usually start out as casual ones until something is discussed, a connection is made, a common cause is found—I still encourage you to seek deep relationship. Solid female friendships are like gems. You only need a few. If someone isn’t interested in you enough to be your friend, is it rejection or preference? I would rather someone be honest enough to not invest time in me if they don’t enjoy my company. We all want to be wanted. What I find frustrating are people who APPEAR to like and enjoy me, then I get slighted. Ouch.

      Reply
    • Oh Rachelle! Can I be your new deep friendship? We can hang via cyber space! 🙂 I hate to think you don’t have the blessing of a deep friendship. It sounds so difficult for you, and that truly is not how God intended. I’m easy. 🙂

      Reply
    • {Melinda} You are so welcome, Sarah! So glad you stopped by! We’ll be checking out your blog, too. Meeting your sweet self was one of the highlights of the SS conference for us! 🙂

      Reply
  • This is lovely, thank you. I think sometimes I have the tendency to imagine worst-case scenarios. I’m not accepted. I won’t feel comfortable. What if I experience anxiety? The list goes on. But the important thing to remember is that without giving ourselves the chance to find out, we run the risk of going through life wondering what if. And that’s just not a way to live.

    XOXO and thank you for this. Hope you are enjoying your weekend!

    Reply
    • {Melinda} Fear holds us back from so many good things, doesn’t it? And you’re right – it’s no way to live. Hope you’ll take some risks in connecting this week because I know you’ll be a blessing to others. 🙂

      Reply
  • Lovely, thought-provoking post.

    This is why I love blogging. The community, the friendships, the connections. They’re REAL. And because of it, isolation is not part of my vocabulary.

    Reply
    • {Melinda} The online connections are great … love it! I do have to remind myself though to balance it with real-life, face-to-face connecting, because we all need that, too. 🙂

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  • What a great post and comments too. Since I work full-time I use the “I’m too busy excuse” quite frequently while in reality I could go if I really wanted too. I recently skipped a get together with my gym friends and was noticeably missed. I didn’t want to break up my work/cleaning routine, but in reality it is almost as if I am afraid of letting others get too close to me. I am adding reaching out to form community as a goal of my “Be Strong” Challenge.

    Reply
    • {Melinda} Great! I’m glad this inspired you to add it to our list of goals. I know that when I put anything I want/need to do on a list, I am more likely to do it. I’ve done it, too … used busyness as an excuse to not get close. But then others miss out on us blessing them. I’m so glad you stopped by. 😉

      Reply
  • What a great post! I just started a women’s group in my home this year for this very reason!! I have such a passion about this as I have seen the fruit of fellowship over and OVER again!! When we are alone in our “stuff” that life brings us (or we make) the isolation magnifies everything and deepens the very pain we live in/struggles etc. It’s amazing how even just ONE conversation can change our thinking, out attitude, our feelings, our perspective… I thank God for the people in my life that I can share my burdens and my praises with, knowing they will love me through it. Everyone needs this to truly grow…and without that encouragement, life is just so difficult all alone. Our group is doing Lysa Terkeurst’s new book “Unglued”… SSSSOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!!! (I dream of being her BFF) 😉

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    • {Kathy} Hey, Hey!! Your moms group sounds great. One conversation with one mom about one thing can enlighten our souls! It has happened to me thousands of times. Starting those conversations is the hard part for some people. Melinda and I both saw Lysa Terkeurst at the She Speaks conference in Charlotte. She is a dynamic speaker and author.

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  • {Melinda} I agree … we are so hard on ourselves and don’t realize what we can offer others. We really are depriving others, not just ourselves!

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  • I love this post. It is so easy to make these excuses to ourselves…and then we wonder why we feel so isolated and alone. I use the “I just don’t have time” argument ALL. THE. TIME. I do it without even thinking. Thanks to you, I’m definitely going to catch myself doing that and work on it. –Lisa

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    • {Melinda} Glad it inspired you, Lisa! It’s so hard to break those “knee-jerk” response we have, isn’t it? But once we make the time to reach it, we realize it’s SO worth the effort!

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  • Great post that is so important. I’ve watched so many of my friends become isolated just within their families. And I have done it on occasion, too. One incredibly detrimental thing that can happen from this that you don’t mention is the damage that can happen to your family, especially your children. We need friends. We need other people to be with, to talk to, to get reality checks from. When we don’t make these connections outside of our home, unhealthy connections happen within our home. Our children become our friends, the ones we lean on for support. The ones we vent to. They feel burdened by our emotions because we have no one else to share these with. If you only have small kids, you may not see things this way. But as they grow into teens and adults, and they are the only ones you’re spending time with, it’s just so easy to change the relationship.

    As one who was raised by a mom who cut herself off from others and depended more and more on me I can tell you, it’s absolutely not fair to your children nor is it emotionally healthy. Our children need to feel like they can go out into the world and form their own identities, not constantly check on us so that we aren’t too lonely.

    End of rant. I could go on and on, but you get the point. It’s healthy and essential that we maintain friendships and connections outside of our homes and families. The end.

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    • {Melinda} Robin, I LOVE this. You are spot on. With everything you said. Because I have done it at different times in my life. And I know it wasn’t good for my kids. That could be another whole blog post. You always have such great insights.

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  • My isolation excuse was that no one could understand what I was going through since in the Sandwich Generation. I was super busy of course, but it did become easy to just isolate myself. I had to do as you suggested – just make time to get together with friends so that I would stay connected. This is such a great post because it helps us see that with God, we can escape this isolation! 🙂

    Reply
    • {Melinda} Paula, when I was going through a very difficult parenting season, I did the same thing. I just didn’t believe anyone could understand. And I felt like I would be judged. In fact, I felt I WAS being judged. And it made me want to retreat. But isolation wasn’t the answer. It just made me feel worse! Eventually, I learned who I could trust and be vulnerable with and invested in those relationships.

      I also relate with the “Sandwich Generation” challenges, as you know … and can understand how that could easily be very isolating.

      Reply
  • Sometimes our excuse… is more putting the blame on others… right? Nobody really “gets me” or “there are cliques” but even the Bible -in Proverbs- says… if you want to have friends… you should be one yourself! (ehem… that’s just a rough interpretation of it) … Sometimes we sit waiting for others to come and find us… but we’re not willing to get up and find others… and try to connect… it is hard.. sometimes… but totally worth it! Thank you for sharing… such a great post!

    Reply
    • {Melinda} Definitely … it’s always someone else fault we aren’t connected enough! I’ve been so guilty. 🙂

      Reply
  • great post, for a while I isolated myself and hid in sadness, but being a part of something, socializing and feeling connected is a wonderful way to change that. We are too hard on ourselves, if only we saw what others see.

    Reply

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I PROVIDE WOMEN WITH RESOURCES FOR HEALING AND WHOLENESS

I’m a woman who was radically changed when the God I thought I knew since childhood opened my eyes to the overwhelming depth of His love for me. I love speaking, writing, and pointing women to the Father so they can experience for themselves the healing power of His incredible, captivating love.

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